was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
This baby is an asshole
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
