i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
