Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
