Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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