We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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