I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
