The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
farters have to be the big spoon...
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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