I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Randomize
