Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
