the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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