woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize