Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
