Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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