I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
