He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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