she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize