I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I won't apologize to a one balled man
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
