I'm sorry my penis didn't work
My brain says no but my pants say off.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I fill condoms, not promises.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
