So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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