If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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