After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Randomize
