After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
