i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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