just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
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