meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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