i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
