I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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