gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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