counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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