I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
