What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
