We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
