the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
