Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
