i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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