i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
