You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
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