I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
