Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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