I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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