So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
