Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
