I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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