But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
honey bunches of taint.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
