i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
