Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
