I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
