all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
