Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
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