No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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