I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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