thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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