I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
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