I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
