Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Randomize
