Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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