you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
