3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
i dont even know how to be here
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
they're like a gay fantastic four
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
